My (Unusual) Pets and I

June 6, 2012

Many people have pets at home, but not us. The Wife generally likes Dogs and even Cats, but they absolutely terrify me. When I was a kid, a stray dog once bit me, and died the next day of rabies. That has left a profound impact on my psychology (and lots of pain from those endless injections I had to take) which has made me greatly averse to having pets around the house.

But that doesn’t mean I have given up entirely. Instead of cats and dogs, I have computers as pets.

Some of you may find that hard to believe, but think about it – Computers make great pets! They’re always quite, do exactly as you say, and never bark at guests in your house. Plus, you never have to take them out for walks or clean up after them. Once in a while, they do throw a fit and refuse to start up, but if you caress them and talk nicely to them and clean out their interiors of dust, they’ll be back to their happy selves.

I have some 12 computers and laptops in my house right now. If you add up the mobile phones, tablets, my PS2, PS3, PSP, 3DS, my TV, set-top boxes, receivers and other electronically connected pets, I have a grand total of 35 of them. And they all live peacefully together. Once in a while, the refuse to talk to each other, but all that is needed is a stern scolding to the router, and everything goes back to being nice again.

The Wife has a lot of problems with my pets, though. She complains that our living room looks like the deck of an alien spaceship because of all the LED lights and displays from all of devices I have connected around the TV. When I tried to tell her that’s what makes our living room cool, she said that our TV doesn’t go well with our antique-wooden-statue and the related decor in the room.

I mistakenly suggested that we get rid of the wooden statue, which was a suggestion she did not take well. It looks like the wooden statues and antique ship are more important to her that my 5.1 channel DTS/Dolby-Digital surround sound system. I could never understand how a dumb wooden statue is better than an awesome surround sound system, but then again, I don’t understand a lot of things about The Wife.

Anyway, that’s not all she hates about my pets. You see, since my pets are all programmable, I’ve taught them to do some interesting tricks. For example, my pet computer in my “computer room” has an attached web-cam. And on that computer, I’ve installed some motion-detection software and face recognition software. So what my pet computer does is that anytime someone walks into my room, it snaps a picture, overlays it with the date and time, and immediately emails it to me. It also saves a surveillance video of what the offending person was doing in my room. I have configured this email to directly pop-up on my phone, so in under 2 seconds of The Wife venturing into my room, I receive an alert on my phone. The Wife apparently has some problems with this setup, but I think it’s really cool.

Another cool trick I’ve taught my pets to do is remote-control. I have a private VPN installed on one of my computer-pets, so I can log into my home network from anywhere in the world from my phone, and control all connected devices. A few days ago, The Wife was “working from home”, and I logged into my TV-system from office to see that she was watching some TV shows. I promptly changed the channel from my phone and flashed the message “Working Hard or Hardly Working?” on the TV, sitting in some meeting at office. I thought this was a hilarious little joke, but The Wife thought it very creepy and annoying.

On an unrelated note, I discovered that day our couch is a very nice and cosy place to sleep, and all the LEDs and displays didn’t disturb me at all. I’m so proud of my pets.

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One Response to My (Unusual) Pets and I

  1. Abhishek on June 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Man!! 35 pets in all. I just have 7 minus TV or set top as I think they are waste of time which is an activity I like to do with my coputers, (maybe a household with a lady needs TV, indeispensibly, That reminds me when I go home my sisters and mom always complain that i don’t visit often, but they don’t really have time for me but Balika Vadhu ya crorepati keep them pretty busy and my father is always busy) and when i say I get bored, they emotionally torture me and get hurt,..irony..). but I don’t envy you as last time I went for a vacation to Goa andmy cell went off and I had no charger, so I had two choices to hunt for charger or enjoy Goa, needless to say I chose later one and I found life is so fabulous without digital devices and the STD booths are good enough..;)

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