Q: Out little country, Greece, has had a little bit of a recession lately, and our debt is out of control. Our country is on the brink of default and the Euro is threatening to throw us out. What should we do?
– The Greeks
A: You’re going to thank yourself for asking me that question, because I have a massively innovative idea for you. Here’s how its going to work: Your country gets a lot of tourists, right? They come from all over the world to look at the ruins of whatever it is that is ruined. And then they buy trinkets and other souvenirs to take back with them, right? So here’s what you do: You start selling Greek sovereign debt in the souvenir shops outside the Parthenon and the other touristy sites.
See, the brilliance of this is that you can position Greek bonds as souvenirs of the ruins of modern Greece. And tourists love to buy souvenirs, especially of ruins. There you have it – Tourists buy Greek bonds as souvenirs, you sell them your Debt, and everyone goes home happy.
Q: My country is prosecuting me for various corruption charges. How can they do that? I used to be the Prime Minister of this country! They can’t do that, can they?
– Silvio B
A: Ah, don’t worry about it. See, corruption charges to a politician are like the common cold – They cause you a headache, but they’re a mild annoyance at best. See, politicians in my country have long figured out how to deal with corruption charges.
There are many strategies you can use to get this. Popular among Indian politicians are (1) Say the evidence is doctored (2) Claim the other guy did it (3) Blame it all on your gardener or (4) Claim that your religion allows for it.
Some of the luminaries in this field from my country include A Raja, who came out of prison and went straight to parliament, and a Mr. Suresh K, who’s now vacationing somewhere using all his corruption money. So, Silvio, don’t worry about it, you’re going to be fine.
At the end of the day, getting out of corruption charges is really all about holding out and confusing everyone until the next politician with corruption charges comes along. So, enjoy your 15 minutes of corruption fame, because everyone is going to forget about you very soon.
Q: I recently tried to launch a rocket because my papa wanted me to, but it blew up just after take off. All my friends laughed at me but I want to show them who’s boss. How do I do that?
– Little Kim
A: Dear Little Kim,
I’m sorry about your rocket. Rockets are, like, hard and stuff, so its best not to mess with them. In fact, I’ve heard trying to launch a rocket into outer space is as hard as rocket science. But you don’t need to feel bad – If you want to show all the other boys and girls who’s boss, you need to adopt an alternate strategy.
What kids here in India to show who’s boss is that they walk away with their cricket bats when they are bowled out. You storm away with the bat, the other kids can’t play without you, and then you can get double batting. You need to do something similar, but since this is at a global scale, you need at add your brand of crazy into it.
What I’d recommend is to invite all your friends to a football match, and when they show up, claim that it was really a rugby match. When they ask you why they’re standing at the swimming pool, throw a fit and walk off with the tennis rackets, claiming that they don’t understand the rules of volleyball. Everyone will get so confused, that they’ll start to doubt their own sanity, and you’ll be a genius, relatively speaking.
That’ll show them who’s boss!