How To Avoid Doing Chores

Living in a house inevitably means that you’ll have some share of the household chores assigned to you. The situation is particularly bad if you are lazy, and even worse when you are a follower of Adityaism, which requires you to NOT do work. But fortunately, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking of the counter measures we can use to avoid doing any work around the household. Here are some very useful tips:

1) Ask a lot of questions

Asking a lot of questions is a good strategy to use when you are assigned some new work. The person that has assigned the work to you is probably using the common misconception that “Give a man a fish, he’s happy for a day. Teach him how to fish, he’s happy for life”.

This saying is obviously not true, because if it were, we’d all be fishermen. Clearly, we are not. Therefore, it can’t be true. Quite simple.

But sometimes, your opponent doesn’t believe in logic, and can’t be convinced with the above logically correct argument, so you have to use a different strategy. You have to make your opponent so frustrated with questions, that they should think “I’d rather give him the fish!”. Example:

Wife: “Can you cut some Tomatoes and Onions, please?”
Me: “OK. How do I cut them?”
W: “Well, with a knife of course.”
Me: “Do I have to use a chopping board?”
W: “Of course!”
Me: “What if I cut myself?”
W: “You’re not going to cut yourself.”
Me: “Do we have emergency bandaid, just in case? Besides, it’s pretty late. Do you think the hospital will be open?”
W: “Just cut the Tomatoes, OK?”
Me: “I think we should call the hospital and ask if they’re open.”

… and so on, until your opponent cuts the Tomatoes.

2) Argue
This technique is a variant of the first one, only more aggressive. Use this technique when the first one doesn’t work, and you are cornered. The difference is, this time you have to push the opponent into a state of frustration. This works best if you counter every question with another question. Example:

Wife: “Can you cut some Tomatoes and Onions, please?”
Me: “Why?”
W: “So that you get Sambar to eat tonight, that’s why!”
Me: “Can’t you just use the food processor? Why do I have to cut it?”
W: “Because the food processor doesn’t cut it into small pieces”
Me: “How am I going to cut it into small pieces?”
W: “Do I have to tell you EVERYTHING?!? Start with a horizontal cut and then slice it”
Me: “Are you sure that’s the proper way? I read somewhere that cutting tomatoes causes it to loose important vitamins.”
W: “JUST CUT THE TOMATOES!!!”
Me: “I think I’m going to look up Wikipedia for “How to cut a tomato”. I’ll be right back.
W: “AAAARRGGGGGHHHHH!!!”

3) Reverse Psychology
This is a dangerous technique, but if you can pull it off, it is very effective. The idea is to get your opponent to feel extreme sympathy and pity for you. Bonus points if you push your opponent into a guilty feeling. An easy way to do this is to make it seem that you are doing something super-important, something that matters more to the universe than the chore. The trick to achieving this state is proper body language – That means cute puppy eyes and a voice that seems like you’re almost going to cry. Example:

Wife: “Can you cut some Tomatoes and Onions, please?”
Me: “Um? I was just going to call our broker and talk about our investments.”
W: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah, it’s tax season, and we need to make the proper investments and save for our future.”
W: “That’s true.”
Me: “Have you finished your tax planning under section 80CCC and applied for Premium Deductions on your IT declaration?”
W: “Uh… Huh… Hmm… Err… What does that… I don’t know…”
Me: (deep sigh) “OK, I’ll take a look tomorrow. Do I have to do everything? Aren’t you worried about our future together? Isn’t our financial security and independence important to you?” *sniff* deep sigh…..

… and you’re done. Your opponent won’t bother you for 2 days after this.

Do you have any more techniques?

26 comments for “How To Avoid Doing Chores

  1. February 21, 2008 at 7:41 pm

    Hey man.. I am just loving your posts.. These are too good!! :-)

  2. Aditya Kulkarni
    February 22, 2008 at 3:03 am

    You do? Excellent. As a token of your appreciation, maybe you could send me some money? I’ll take cheques too…

  3. Sac
    February 22, 2008 at 4:02 am

    what if the cheques bounce? thtz no prob??? in tht case, i have lotsa cheques lined up for u! :P

  4. Saravanan
    February 22, 2008 at 4:47 am

    One point to be noted is … all these techniques are temporary solutions … to get to a permanent solution … but you need to make an investment of time … here we go …

    1. Take a look at the vegetable basket. Have a thorough look at all the tomatoes. ( 30seconds / tomato ) If you are asked why … “just, i am trying to find out which one is most ripe and which should be consumed quick … ” … you are done here …. if not, go to next step ….
    2. Take one tomato with all the possible expressions of lifting a child … if you good at miming … man, i tell you .. it will work wonders for you …. if this does not solve the issue, go to next step ….
    3. Look the tomato all possible 360 angles. ( 1 angle ~ 1 second, that translates to 360 seconds, which means to have a look you would take 6 minutes … ) you might be asked …”what’s the hell you are doing with that..” …. reply cooly … “i am just planning on how to cut the tomato there by minimizing the waste of juices and there by resulting loss of vitamins for which we have paid our hard earned money … i am sure you would appreciate that i too care for the family …..” and so on … this itself should suffice for the rest of your life…. if not, move to next step …
    4.Dip the tomato in a bowl of water and try cleaning for not less than 1 minutes / tomato …. again you may be asked …”what’s the hell you are doing … ” in aditya style … “you know, in today’s agriculture they use lot of pesticides and they remain on the surface of the vegetables.. it would be really hazardous to take it … so i am cleaning it … ” … if you get a reply … “but that’s not the way i had been doing it …” get up and say … “i would really appreciate to do things in your way … ” if you get a reply … “so far, i have been cutting those simply and you did not have problems ..” please say … “ahh… now i understand, why i am not able to think a lot …. i think the pesticides have got an effect on me … ” …. this also should take care of your future … if not, go to next step ….
    5. With an artistic taste, just make a cut slowly …. your knife should be moving 1mm / sec … if you are being asked “why do you cut it so slowly … ” … with all possible emotion … (if possible, put few drops of water into your eyes without your wife noticing it …) … ” this tomato really looks like your cheek …. while cutting it … i feel, i am cutting your cheeks …. i really working hard to do …. “…. man, you are totally done … not only for the rest of your life …. may be for the rest of your birth too …. :-)

  5. Aditya Kulkarni
    February 22, 2008 at 5:32 am

    Saravanan! Brilliant Man! Just too good! You are my hero.

    Saravanan is awarded the position of the High Chancellor of The Order of Intellectual Adityaism!

    Congrats Man! You totally deserve it. A round of applause for Saravanan, Ladies and Gentlemen!

  6. Ramya
    February 22, 2008 at 6:12 am

    Are you soon going to write about how to avoid doing any real work in office? I cant wait for that one!

  7. Rupali
    February 22, 2008 at 11:57 am

    please send me your wifes email address…… then i can send her a counter for this and any more ideas u might get… besides the ideas of saravanan above.. i know a counter to them as well… so need ur wife ka email asap… shall make sure she knows how to coutner attack you !!! hehehe

  8. anon.
    February 22, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    cut the tomato as you want! try and make rakhi sawant’s face, try sculpting.. :D make a flower… (or some shape..and call it a flower..) basically…do time pass…… for all technical reasons..you ARE cutting; no?
    AND..will you EVER be asked to cut..again???

  9. February 22, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    I agree with Aditya! Saranan’s idea is brilliant.. It will have to modified a little bit to work on moms but the basic idea is superb!!

  10. February 23, 2008 at 7:10 am

    Hey Rupali,
    I think your initiative is just brilliant. You know I have been thinking of calling up The Wife and asking her to start a counter-blog instead. You know thats going to be rocking. May be a premier league can come up too ;)

    THE WIFE, are you listening ?

  11. February 23, 2008 at 11:26 am

    I read somewhere that cutting tomatoes causes it to loose important vitamins?!?!?!? IT’S LOSE!!!!

    *mourns the loss of correct spelling*

  12. Aditya Kulkarni
    February 23, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    Ramya: It’s coming soon. I’m “working” on it :P

    Rupali: Aahhh.. Is that your plan to get me into trouble? I’m in deep trouble as it is :)

    Anon: Another brilliant idea! There are so many good ideas out there! We just need a way to channelize them!

    Chiristine: I’m glad you agree! I never thought of the mom dimension, but that’s a very good insight!

    Jyothi: Oh NO NO NO NO no no no….

  13. Aditya Kulkarni
    February 23, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    Wat es dis “lose” ding u keep takling abuot?

  14. February 24, 2008 at 5:22 am

    Smacks totally of Dilbert- the way of the weasel.

  15. February 24, 2008 at 7:12 am

    I heard somewhere that “No” is perfectly acceptable answer to any question/request. :)

    Wife: “Can you cut some Tomatoes and Onions, please?”
    Me: “No”

    Silence. Deafening silence.

    [Remainder of conversation has been censored]

  16. Aditya Kulkarni
    February 24, 2008 at 10:37 am

    Yeah, I used to think No was an acceptable answer too.

    Wife: “Do you want to take the garbage out?”
    Me: “No, I don’t feel like it. Thanks for asking, though!”

    It turns out, Rule #0 is “Never say no”. I had a lot of time to think about this as I was taking the garbage out.

  17. February 25, 2008 at 4:54 pm

    One that I am given everytime I ask the husband to move his butt is,’…haan, give me a minute….ek min and i shall be there…’
    the minute is the longest one..so STALLING is yet another way..so you dont say NO, and you dont agree to doing it either. Therefore short of standing there and tapping your feet till the 60secs run out (which is what I tend to do) there is no escape.
    Nice post

  18. Narla
    February 27, 2008 at 5:26 am

    Forwarded to my female (married) teammates. They loved it!!

    Will look this up when i’m married!!

  19. Aditya Kulkarni
    February 27, 2008 at 6:02 am

    The “One minute”… trick. Hehe… That’s a good one. I used to use it until the wife figured it out and started saying “do it this INSTANT”

    Narla: Thanks for forwarding it to everyone. It is important that important knowledge like this reaches everyone :)

  20. December 9, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    its a very annoying way 2 aviod chores but very very good. ahah ahah ahah ahah

  21. Aditya Kulkarni
    December 10, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    Thank you! Appreciate it!

  22. jim korew
    December 15, 2008 at 11:20 pm

    i need more excuses ! i love the ones that are displayed though ! :)

  23. March 8, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    I would like to add to your excuses. Here is what we came up with today. http://thetop7.net/2011/03/08/seven-ways-to-avoid-household-chores/

  24. Anonymous
    July 10, 2012 at 3:56 am

    Thank need that right now

  25. June 22, 2013 at 11:38 am

    Wow these are really good and funny!!!

    Lol hahaha

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