There. That should more or less explain why I’ve not posted in such a long time. However, it also means that I have lots of stories to tell. <evil smile>

ISB was a very enriching experience. It allowed me to broaden my horizons and study in detail the state of the art of management research, and has enabled me to leverage my strengths and to equip myself with the requisite understanding and knowledge of the tools, processes and frameworks of modern management science that allow for efficient administration of 21st century businesses.

ROTFL. Got you there, didn’t I?

As you can see, I’ve spent most of the year honing my Jargoneese skills. It was great fun being in the company of like-minded people, people who believe that God has given us only one mouth and two ears, so we need to talk twice as much as we listen to compensate.

For the duration of the course, which is a year, the Wife and I had come to an arrangement – She would work hard and earn money, and I would blow it away spend it reasonably on living expenses. I tried to convince her to extend this arrangement to a more permanent basis, but she refused. More on that some other time.

Back to the MBA: It was a very valuable learning lesson, and the 1 year added to my already vast knowledge-base. Some of the top new things I learned at B-school that immediately come to mind are:

1) Jargon Matters:
You know how the ancient roman army had “passwords”? Everyone in an army battalion would know what this secret pass-phrase was, and if you wanted to enter the camp, you had to say the password to prove you were one of them. The MBAs have a similar thing going on. Allow me to demonstrate:

MBA1: “How’re the reports coming along?”
Correct Answer: “We need to pull data from the excel pivot tables and perform conjoint analysis to leverage insights from intermediate business process frameworks and polish it on the powerpoint”.

Wrong Answer: “They’ll be done tomorrow!”

The wrong answer is wrong not just because it doesn’t have any jargon, but also because it shows a firm commitment, something which is a strict No No.

2) Networking matters:
They say that the most important thing you take away from B-School is your wide network of future industry leaders and captains. This is undoubtedly true. B-School is the one place that suffers from the all-leader-no-follower syndrome. Since everybody is a leader, the only things that are following are stray dogs, peacocks and the occasional mosquito. The mosquito might be following only because it wants to suck your blood, but that is besides the point.

The goal of the MBA, as far as I can decipher, is to do spectacularly smart and/or stupid things, so as to etch yourself permanently in the memory of the rest of the batch, so that later when you call them asking for favors, they remember who you are.

3) MBA students can consume unbelievable amounts of alcohol:
No explanation needed.

So there you have it. Over the coming days and weeks, I will reveal all the secrets of the much-hyped MBAs, everything and anything you’ve ever wanted to know. Watch this space!

Today’s exam is Marketing. Marketing is one of those subjects where you never know what the hell is happening in class. We had a text book prescribed to us – The infamous Kotler, for those in the know – but on the first day of class, our prof said that he’d never liked the text book, and he recommended we NOT waste our time reading it.

The Prof saying the recommended text book is of no use. That’s new. I wish all of our Engineering Profs had come to this realization.

Even without a text book to do last-minute mugging from, the familiar exam-hall scene doesn’t disappoint. There are scores of people reading through some printouts and notes, trying desperately to grasp on to the subject – to get hold of something that sounds familiar, but no use. It’s like a drowning man in the middle of the sea, desperately splashing about trying to get hold of something to float on to, but finding nothing. And you all know what happens to the man next – He drowns into the vast ocean, which has euphemistically been called the ocean of knowledge. If you drown into an ocean, even if it is the one of knowledge, isn’t that a bad thing? ‘Cause you’re drowning for god’s sake! How can that be a good thing?

Anyway, we enter the exam hall. The Question Paper is sitting right in front of me. Everyone in the room is tensed, even more so because this is an open book exam. We’re allowed to bring in any textbook/notes/reference material into the exam, but all of us know what that means – The answers are not going to be in any text book. That makes matter worse.

“You may begin” the TA announces, and I gingerly open the exam booklet. ‘Please let me understand the first question. Please let me at least know what the question means’ – I utter my silent prayer to myself.

And then there it is – The first question. Just as I finish reading it, I feel the sudden juxtaposition of fear and humor. That feeling where you don’t know whether to laugh or to cry – to smile or to bang your head against the desk.

“How will you go about selling razor blades in Afghanistan? Discuss.”

The Prof wants us to sell razor blades in a country where beards are all the rage. And that too when a large percentage of the population has not brushed their teeth EVER, let alone heard of toothpaste. How am I supposed to sell razor blades to these bearded tribesmen? The best use they have for razor blades is probably to shave their sheep and goats. And I haven’t heard of goats trying to shave.

This is just awesome. I spend the next 10 minutes staring at the ceiling, because, well, there was nothing better to do.

Since I don’t want to leave the exam paper blank, I go to the extent of recommending selling razors to women – I had to write SOMETHING – to help penetrate the Afghan razor market. After the exam is over we all sit and discuss the paper. No one knows what’s going to come of it, but at the end of the day, it was fun.

I hope I get marks for my handwriting at least. Not because my handwriting is good, but because it is so bad that he won’t understand what’s written and give me the benefit of the doubt. That’s my only chance!

But first things first. I used to think “diversity” is oversold at ISB, it can’t really be all that diverse. But, to a large extent, it is. For example, my roomies include a lawyer, a doctor and an economist. There is a fashion designer and a marketting brand manager in the opposite house. Its fun when all of us get together. No one really understands what the other folks are saying, but we nod along anyway, hoping by the end of this year, we’ll all learn something about each other.

Everything was fine and dandy for the first 2 weeks when there was just partying and getting to know everyone, but soon enough the classess started. And therein lies the problem. 

I’ve never really bought text books, ever, but the other day, I had to buy some because of sheer peer pressure. &#*$^*@!

Classmate 1: “Did you read the first chapter from Kotler? I thought it was very insightful!”

Classmate 2: “Yes! I found the discussion about competitive brand positining quite interesting as well!”

Me: “umm.. huh… Guys, do you know what time dinner starts?”

Even though I can’t say I really understand what’s happening in class, they are interesting nevertheless. Like in our accounting class, the prof has given us Satyam’s balance sheeets and Mr. Raju’s infamous confessional letter for homework, and asked us to restate a bunch of the balance sheet. Another prof held a live auction in class, with real money and stuff.

It promises to be a fun year. More as it happens… For now, I have to go back and do homework!