A: You have the wrong idea about laziness, my friend. Laziness is a virtue, not a vice. It is a common misconception that evolution’s law is “Survival of the Fittest“. The modified, 21st century version is “Survival of the Laziest“. Look at the tigers – They have to get out and go hunting for food every day. Hard work. We humans just have to move a few fingers to call Dominos and food shows up at our doorstep. Guess which of the two is becoming extinct?

Laziness should be celebrated. But don’t get fooled into thinking that it is easy. Laziness is a special skill that you have to work on. It takes dedication, perseverance and most importantly lots of will power and self-discipline. You should also refuse to clean up your apartment. Be even more messier than your room mate. Leave the dishes unwashed and clothes dirty. The one who gets affected by the stinky smell first looses, and your goal is to not be the looser. As you can see, being lazy is hard work. But as Socrates said: “Victory comes to those who persevere the longest”. So go forth, by strong and be lazy, until your roommate caves in and cleans the dishes. May the light of Adityaism be with you.

Q: My hubby recently tried to pull a stunt on my by trying to miss his GYM class, and so I’m trying to take him out for evening walks. But he keeps resisting, and always wants to watch TV. What should I do?
- TW

A: You know how they say: “It takes a criminal to catch a criminal”? Well, I think in your case, you have to use the same strategy. Try to go into your hubby’s shoes. If you were a lazy couch potato that always wanted to watch TV, what would you do?

If you think for a little bit, it’ll become obvious that you would want to sit on your sofa and watch TV all day. And there’s your answer. The one keyword that is the root cause of all evil in this world, and that has literally brought death and destruction to our civilization.

The Sofa.

The presence of a Sofa in your living room is what is making your hubby want to watch TV. I don’t suppose you bought it, did you? If I were to guess, I’d say you went and bought a sofa (maybe a Dining Table too?) and because of that your hubby doesn’t exercise. You have no one but yourself to blame. Buying sofas is the greatest sin known to mankind, (unfortunately it has not caught on with womenkind), and since you have performed such a big sin, you must now perform the Adityaism ritual to cleanse the evil spirits.

You need to buy your hubby a 56″ LCD HDTV with remote control. Once you do this, you have to let your hubby watch the TV for 12-and-a-half years, and then your will be forgiven of your sins. Don’t waste time – Go and do it now!

Q:  Have u ever understood the ibibo ad? “Don’t be a balti” ( wtf does that mean !?! )
- RXP

A: You know, I didn’t get the ad the first time either, but then I used my superior reasoning and logical abilities and figured it out. ibibo actually stands for “I Believe In Baltis Overall”. It has a deep philosophical meaning.

See, the Balti, or the empty bucket, is a metaphor for the vast expanse that life is into which the ocean of experience dips to fill the bucket with the water of friends. Therefore, the social network of the balties connects you to your inner self (with your bucket spirit) and takes you through the shower of wisdom and you then treat the balti as a reservoir for dirty clothes (a metaphor for intellectual purity).

It’s quite simple when you get it.
If you would like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept a secret!

Q: My wife makes me go on these morning walks everyday, and it’s complete torture. I have to get up at 6:30 AM and go round and round and round, like a moth flying around in circles around a tube-light. I want to get out of this mess. What should I do?
- VK
A: I find the comparison to the moth very apt, especially because after going round-and-round-and-round the tube-light for a while, the moths eventually die. And that’s what’s going to happen to you if you don’t figure out a way of getting out of this. I have some tips that you can use to try to get out of it.

My first advice to you would be to try and convince your wife that you’re allergic to mornings. Yes, tell her that in the morning, the sun’s rays come at an angle to the earth through the atmosphere, and that increases their vitamin-D content (everyone knows that sun’s rays contain vitamin-D), and that you are allergic to Vitamin-D. You can prove this by showing your groggy, sleepy eyes in the morning, which are undoubtedly caused by the slanting rays of the sun.

Another option you can try is to deny the walk at the source – Don’t get up in the morning at all. Your wife will probably cajole you to get up, then ask you politely, then not-so-politely and then scream names of unpronounceable diseases  at you in an effort to appeal to your good sense to get up and go for a morning walk. She might also claim that it is good for health. But you must be strong and not fall for emotional blackmail like that. One requires great self control and will power to not budge even after all the screaming and yelling, but let me tell you my friend, it is all well worth it in the end. Under some extreme circumstances, you might have to face a bucket full of water, but I’ve found that in such situations, having an umbrella by the bedside usually helps.

Q: This Bangalore Airport fiasco is driving me crazy. In Bangalore, they’ve built a brand new airport 30 kms from the city, but there is no road to reach the airport – It takes 3 hours to get there. Then, they want to close down the existing airport – which is right in the middle of the city and very convenient – after the new one opens. I’ve been trying to keep it open, but these politicians and beauraucrats keep coming in the middle, and now no one knows what’s going on. What should I do?
-RK M

The problem with this whole airport fiasco is that all the involved parties are not willing to talk to each other, but they don’t mind talking about it to everyone else. So here’s what we should do. Let’s take all the politicians, airport dudes and some other dudes and put them into a room. But before going into the room, let’s give all the politicians 3 straight shots of tequila. I find that the shots help everyone think clearly. For example:

Politician before Tequila shots: “We should all endeavor to support our fellow tigers from the brink of extinction, since our national animal, which is also a part of this great nation under Gandhi…”
Politician after Tequila shots: “Lets get the tigers extinct and build an SEZ in all the forest land. The dinosaurs went extinct, and we all got used to it. Ditto with tigers.”

So, once this meeting is finished, I’m sure everyone will come to the proper conclusion – To shut down both airports and make everyone take the train. “Why?” you ask? Because Lallu Prasad promised to give the Airport CEO 12 cows and some land in Bihar in exchange for the favor!

Q: What came first, the Chicken or the Egg?
- RR

A: This profound question has troubled mankind since the beginning, but I have finally figured out the solution. The answer obviously, when you think about, is that the omelet came first.

Shocked? Yes, I was too at first, but it can be proved quite convincingly using the simple  economics of demand-supply. We all know that people demand omelets (you know, because they’re all tasty and all), and because there is a huge demand for omelets, the farmers have to supply the eggs, which are in turn supplied by the chicken themselves. Now, anyone who knows basic economics knows that demand comes before supply (no demand, no supply), we therefore arrive at this equation:

omelet -> egg -> farmer -> chicken ....[ Equation (1)]

From equation (1) above, it is quite clear that the omelet came first. We can finally mark that problem as solved!

If you’d like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept confidential.

If anything, the person that got the pink slip should be consoling you. Have you heard of anyone that’s working on a salary that got rich and successful? No Sir! ALL the top 10 richest people in the world were not daily wagers. J.K. Rowling, Shah Rukh Khan, Maria Sharapova, Rakhi Sawant, Scott Adams – All the great people in this world said goodbye to their corporate careers and did their own thing.

But all is not lost. You can earn your pink slip too, if you work hard enough. Resist the temptation to do any work – Be careful and miss deadlines and make sure your code has lots of bugs. If you work hard enough at this, you will receive the pink slip. You can speed up the process by going to your manager and point out that you are “just another resource” and you are not “a teamplayer aligned with the goals of the organization”. That might help.

If all else fails, you should DEMAND for your pink slip. The pink slip is your birthright and no one can stop you from having it!

Q: What comes first: The Wife or The Blog?
- VM

This question makes the assertion that the analytical knife can be sliced through reality to create distinct, compartmentalized entities that can be labeled as implied in the aforementioned question, but as the philosophers of yore have abundantly pointed out, such an enterprise is not without its obvious follies. In retrospective hindsight, this dualistic view – of subjects and objects – leads to logic traps and draws victims through the sub-concious perturbation of the irresistibility of the dialectic method, but one should be cognizant of the quality lost in such an exercise. In summary, such an inquiry into the nature of the continuum of reality only draws the response of moi, that is to say that the contextual space of the question begs to be expanded to gain any substantiative response towards increasing one’s knowledge.

Q: Everywhere preferential treatment is metted out to womens in transport vehicles, whether its in state bus or share auto, how should one respond to a female who wants to grab your seat just bcoz she is a female and be given first citizen status.
- AB

I know. This is starting to become a real problem! I don’t understand why women get these privileges. I even heard that in some middle eastern countries, women are not allowed to work! Why can’t I have that right? It would be so cool:

Wife: “Aren’t you going to work?”
Me: “I’m sorry I can’t.”
Wife: “What?!? Are you expecting me to be the sole breadwinner while you laze around at home?”
Me: “Can you go to office and call me? That way I can put you on mute. I can’t hear what Tom is saying to Jerry on TV.”

This is shameful that we men are getting sidetracked while the women start running this world. Hilary Clinton, Mayawati, Barkha Dutt, Rakhi Sawant – Only a few names among the hordes of women that are cornering all the power in their plot to take over the world! I think it’s time that we men started a society to counter this.

M.A.D – Men Against Distractions. That’s what we should call our club. This club should be engaged in the fight the evil women who are distracting us so that they can take over this world. To make our club successful, we should come up with some catch phrases and sound bites so that we sound smart on TV. I’ve come up with a few initial drafts:

“Just because we can’t see 34,432 shades of blue doesn’t mean we can’t see the truth!”

“Men – No beauty, but lots of brains!”

“We may not have have hundreds of shoes, but we do have our dignity!”

Can you folks think of more?

If you’d like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept confidential.

Q: I’m really bad at remembering birthdays of folks (I have no trouble remembering my own b’day, though). So I met this friend today, and I’m am generally chatting with him. I suspect that it is his birthday, but don’t know how for sure. If I ask him if it is his birthday today, then I’ll come out as a jerk . If I don’t ask, and if it is indeed his birthday, then I’ll come out as jerk again, for not wishing him “happy birthday”. What should I do?

Q: I’m a feminist, and a very passionate one that that. But there is this guy at work that keeps arguing pointlessly about feminism with me. He doesn’t have anything positive to say, and I think he’s arguing just for the fun of it. Is it OK if I use my Karate skills and kick this guy?
- Ghayal

A: I completely understand your frustration, Ghayal. I’ve known guys like that. But you know what? People that argue pointlessly are often the ones that have the greatest wisdom. Pointless Wanderings, as I’m sure you know, are the contained in the Principles of the Japanese art of Zen. The ancient Indian texts also refer to Pointless Wanderings extensively – Also known as “meditation” to the common man. So I urge you to look deeply at this person’s ramblings, go to a mountain top and meditate on what they mean.

Also, I understand your urge to use your 2 violent skills – Feminism and Karate – together. I would direct your energy towards Sanjay Leela Bansali, who has managed to make several anti-feminist movies. “How” you ask? Have you noticed that SLB’s movie titles are all Male sounding?

“Saawariyaa“, and not “Saawariyee“. “Devdas“, and not “Devdasi“. “Black“, and not “Pink“. If anyone deserves the kick, it’s Sanjay Leela Bansali. Best of luck with that. Let me know how it goes.

Q: I’m in my final year of Engineering, and we have our placements coming up soon. With the recession and all happening, everyone is saying that it’s going to be a tough year for placements. What should I do to maximize my chances during the interview?
- K

A: Getting prepared for interviews is one of those very important life-skills that colleges ignore to teach the students – along with kite-flying, jargoneese-speaking and back-calculations. Fortunately, I can give you some interview tips:

Always be prepared for answers to common questions. One of my friends, Uddwal, was an expert at interviewing. Check out his answers, they may be helpful to you.

Interviewer: So, why do you want this job?
Uddwal: Oh, I don’t really want this job. This job is my backup. But thanks for asking, anyway.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
Uddwal: My friend and I plan to become Tobacco farmers. I want to do timepass in your company till then. I heard you have a snooker table?

Interviewer: And finally, Do you have any questions for me?
Uddwal: Yes. How many interviewers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Interviewer: Excuse Me?
Uddwal: Only one, but he’s going to ask the candidate to do it, because the interviewer doesn’t know the answer himself. Hehohehehoahaharharhar!

Q: I’m the big boss of a largish software company that makes operating systems and such things. I’m retiring later this year, and I have a bunch of money stashed up that I don’t know what to do with. I’m thinking I’ll give it away to charity. What do you think?
- Bill G

A: Hi Bill! I think it’s a bad idea to give away your tiny little savings to charity. What will you eat after you retire? But if you feel strongly about it, you can go ahead and give it to charity.

But before you do, you should ask which group of people deserves the money the most? I think the answer is Bloggers. Yes, these are the under-previleged group that lives on the streets of the internet, leading miserably lives, trying to get by on the daily laughs that they get on their blogs. Nobody cares about their plight. They need the money the most. Especially young Bloggers, say in the 25ish age group whose names start with an ‘A’? If you donate money to this very charitable cause, you will automatically get a ticket to heaven, and that too business class! What a good deal, no?

So do your soul a good deed and donate the money. Send me an email if you need specific details (like bank account numbers and such).

If you’d like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept confidential.

You’ve made a drastic mistake by working in a blue movie. But don’t worry. There is no problem that Aditya’s Advice Column cannot fix.

My advice to you is to make your next movie with Rakhi Sawant. Rakhi Sawant, as we all know, is one of the industry’s shining stars, and a movie with her will bring you enormous glamour and class and style. Your career will take off like a goat in front of a tiger.

I’ve had the enormous pleasure of watching your movie, and I must say, I think the Bhojpuri movie industry seems like a better place for you. It is filled with people that match your talent. Besides, 12-and-a-half people watched Bhojpuri movies this year (one kid got in on a half-ticket), which is more that the number that’ve watched your first movie. So go ahead and give it a try. I’m sure great fortune is in store for you near the sunken Titanic.

My professor is the micro-managing kind. He comes by my desk 65 times a day and asks for updates on the project every 5 minutes. It’s driving me crazy! What should I do?
- J

The solution to this problem, as everyone already knows, is to put sleeping pills in your Professor’s lunch, so as to free up your afternoon. But if you want the WHOLE day off, you need to get him addicted to something. May I recommend video games?

Ease him into computer games. Introduce him, first, to Tetris and Pac-Man. Once he’s hooked, move on to Halo, Half-Life and finally World of Warcraft. Once you reach this stage, there is no looking back. Your prof is 20-feet deep in addiction already. At this point, you might want to call his wife, and drop a few “hints” like this:

You: “Hello Mrs. Professor! Is the Prof there?“
Prof’s Wife: “No! Isn’t he at the University?“
You: “Oh, he left earlier with a young woman in a fancy car. I assumed it was your daughter”
Prof’s Wife: “We don’t have any daughters!“
You: “It’s OK then. He must have just gone to the ‘Wet ‘n Wild’ party that’s happening tonight“
Prof’s Wife: “WHAT?!?!“
You: “Oh, don’t worry. They usually take all the drunk people at the end of the party and leave them by the bus stop. The police only pick them up by 6-7 in the morning, so he’ll only spend tomorrow in Jail. Thanks anyway. Good day, Ma’am!“

My wife keeps nagging me to do unimportant things around the house – Like helping with the cooking and cleaning, dropping the kids to school etc…, but what I really want to do is sit and watch TV. What should I do?
- R

I feel your pain, my friend. What’s the deal with cooking and cleaning anyway? You should boldly tell your wife that cooking and cleaning is a solved problem, and the name of the solution is Pizza! Also tell her solving already solved problems is a sign of insanity. What’s the point of re-inventing the wheel? Also, tell your wife that you absolutely have to watch TV, because if you don’t then all the electrons coming through the cable will get wasted, and wasting electricity is really bad, especially with all the global warming and all. Tell her that you are only watching TV so as to save the Planet! Also, rhetorically ask her “Don’t you care about the planet? OUR Planet? Help me save the world! It’s a nobel cause!“

It might also help to give her the yellow pages, opened to the page with ‘Psychiatrists’. I’m sure your wife will appreciate this thoughtful gesture (especially opening the correct page, the one that she really needs). I can already see it – Your wife will realize all her mistakes, and ask for forgiveness, and will never nag you again.

So, go ahead and try out my advice. Let me know how it goes.

If you would like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept a secret!

I’m planning to participate in Miss World next year, but I’m scared of all the questions the judges ask. How should I answer the questions?
– Miss India

Dear Miss India,

I’m glad you asked this question, because I’ve been a big fan of beauty contests. In my carefully studied opinion, the right strategy to answering beauty pageant questions is:

1) Listen carefully to the question (Or at least pretend to)
2) Ignore the question
3) Say how much you want to improve society and work for world peace.

You can also use the ‘smiling-even-as-the-high-heels-are-killing-me’ look for additional points. This strategy is a sure-fire way of winning the Miss World Contest. Send me a picture when you win the crown.

The Traffic in Bangalore is absolutely driving me crazy. Especially these Auto fellows that break the signals and drive like madmen. I feel like murdering them. What should I do?
– V

Dear V,

The problem that you describe is a particularly problematic one. But no fear, I have a very innovative solution for it.

It comes from the sacred world of Zen: Ditch your car and start riding a bicycle. That should solve all your problems.

Allow me to explain: By riding a cycle, you will be breathing in all the polluted air that will markedly reduce your lifespan. And if you don’t live for very long, that means you will have this problem for a lesser about of time. But the real bonus is that your chances of getting hit by a truck and dying increase dramatically. And if you die, you won’t have to face the traffic problem at all. You’ll become a ghost, and I’ve heard ghosts can float around, and are not affected by traffic. Problem Solved!

There is this silly blogger on the internet who is defacing my name. He keeps writing some random (but partially true) stories about me and is causing problems for me. What should I do?
– Chitradeep Chetty
PS: The blog is really good, by the way.

Dear Chitradeep Chetty,

I have conducted a handwriting-analysis of your email, and I have been able to decipher some important aspects of your psychology. You clearly admire this blogger, although you won’t admit it. Listen to your inner guiding voice. What does it say? Something along the lines of “Send him some Money, Send him some Money!“, perhaps?

As the great philosopher Socrates once said: “The people that aggravate us are the ones that we really admire!“. You clearly have a lot of respect for the literary talents of this blogger you talk about. Why don’t you write a letter to him telling how great his skill is? I’m sure it will make you feel better.

If you would like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept a secret!

Q: I’m a big fan of Rakhi Sawant, and I tremendously enjoy her work. I want to put up posters of her in my room, but my parents disapprove strongly. What should I do?
- K

Dear K,
You describe a subject very close to my heart, and in many ways, I have faced the same problem as you have. The solution, as is the case to all problems of this class, is deception.

I would recommend buying posters of Rakhi Sawant and cutting them into the size of a book. Then, stick it into the middle pages of your book. Make sure that the book is something boring, like ‘Technical Specifications of J2ME 5.1‘, so that your parents don’t ever open it. Another interesting thing you can do is to print out a Rakhi Sawant poster on one of those semi-transparent sheets that you get these days. Then, paste the sheet on the inside of your helmet visor. This way, you can see not only the road, but also Rakhi Sawant when you are driving. I can imagine this being a tremendous help in traffic jams. Another option is to cut the poster into small strips and stick them to venetian blinds. During the day, you can set the venetian blinds open, and enjoy the view outside the window. But whenever you want, you only have to pull on the string to align all the strips and viola! There’s your poster!

I have, of course, never done any of the above things myself.

Q: I’m the dictator of a large country, and I’ve been in power for a long time now, and I kinda like it. But there’s this chic who was in Exile all this while, but has suddenly shown up and wants to be the Country’s Big Boss. She’s bent on taking out rallies and stuff like that, and it’s kinda getting painful. What should I do?
- General M
PS: Love your blog

Dear General M,
As the great philosopher Socrates once said: “Give a hungry woman a fish, and she’s happy for one day. Give her a credit card, and she’s happily shopping for the rest of her life“. Nothing keeps women busy like Shopping. The solution to all your problems, my friend, is simple – Open more Shopping Malls! Once you have enough shopping malls, that should distract the attention of your chic and all her followers. Hell, throw in some discounts and half-price sales, and your chic will forget her ambitions like politicians forget their promises.

And to be absolutely certain that your chic doesn’t interfere with your plans to take over the world again, start a rumor that she enjoyed watching Om Shanti Om and Sawariya tremendously, and if she becomes the Prime Minister, she’ll make it compulsory for everyone to watch the two movies everyday. This rumor should be enough to keep her busy with the mob for the next 10-20 years.

Q: I am pathetically jobless at the moment, and I need a job badly. But all these programming stuff seems like greek to me. What should I do to get into this so happening IT field?
- Van

Dear Van,

Firstly, thanks for writing in to the advice column. And secondly, your observation is pretty profound. All Programming stuff, is in fact, greek. The truth of the matter is that no one really knows what this software thing is, but since everyone is talking about it, everybody assumes “someone else” must know about it, and so pretends to understand it. But really, it’s greek to everyone.

And about getting into the “happening” IT field, that’s quite easy. You’ll firstly need to review my earlier lesson on Jargoneese. Then, learn some of the latest buzzwords – like “Services Oriented Architecture”, “.NET Framework 3.0 Specification” and “Dynamic ByteCode compilation using the JIT” – and you’re all set for an interview at any major software company.

If you would like to ask a question in Aditya’s Advice Column, send a mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Don’t worry, your identity will be kept a secret!

My Boss keeps asking me to do work, and that leaves me with no time to read your blog. What should I do?
– Arvind

I feel for you my friend. I can’t believe there are still barbaric people in this world that prevent ordinary, honest people like you from reading blogs at work. This is a clear violation of basic human rights.
Here’s what I recommend you do:
When your boss is out for a Coffee break, go to his Comp. Open up Outlook, Word and some other applications. Then take a screenshot of the screen and save it as a JPEG. And then, close all the applications, hide all the desktop icons and set this image as the desktop background.

When your boss comes back, he’ll click all over the desktop wondering why is his comp is not responding. He’ll restart a few times, the desktop image will come back, and the cycle repeats.

This should keep your boss busy all day, and that should give you plenty of time to read this blog.

I have a practical lab exam coming up next week, and I have no idea programming is all about. What should I do?
– Bobby

You know, it is my opinion that College education is totally overrated. I encourage you to follow Bill Gate’s example and flunk your lab exam. Purposefully. Then go ahead and draw cartoons in all your theory papers and make sure you flunk those too. Don’t make the mistake of passing your exams.

This way, you’ll be able to drop out of college. And then you can start doing something really useful with your life. I highly recommend writing a blog. There’s no future in writing a blog, no money and no hope for anything, but hey, it’s the satisfaction of the soul that matters.

There’s this really cute guy in my team, and I want him to come to me and ask me out. What should I do?
– Arpita

This is a trick question. The answer depends on what kind of guy he is. If he’s all deep and wants a meaningful relationship and talks of “soulmates”, you’re better of spending your time watching Shahrukh Khan on TV. In fact, you should walk up to him and say “Hey Buster! Shallow is the new Deep, haven’t you heard?”.

If, on the other hand, he’s shallow and not very bright, then he’s a good catch. Get him a nice Chocolate Cake. That’s all it should take.

I just bought a mobile phone last month, but there is this new phone that was released this week, and I want it really bad. What should I do?
– Darendra

As many readers on the blog have pointed out, the most optimal strategy for tackling this is to accidentally “loose” your phone. That should be a good excuse to get a new one. I know a friend who’s an expert at this. Works for him everytime.

If you have questions for Aditya’s Advice Column, send mail to advice@pointlesswanderings.com. Your identity will be kept confidential (If I feel like it).