Thoughtful Presents!

I am convinced that the whole industry built around buying gifts has been erected by the female species to keep their husbands and boyfriends in check. They have craftily managed to put all men into this corner where we feel guilty before the occasion because we can’t think of what gift to buy, during the occasion because the gift we bought was not satisfactory, and (for decades) after the occasion where they remind us how we couldn’t even buy a simple present for them.

I don’t need to give you examples of how this works, I’m sure everyone of you has experienced it firsthand. But I’m going to complain about it anyway.

I remember the first time I was supposed to buy The Wife™ a gift. I can’t remember the occasion (it doesn’t matter anyway), but I was counselled to buy something that “shows how sensitive I am while simultaneously flattering her“.

I mean, what does that even mean?

Anyway, since it was my first time, I decided to give it a shot, and bought a nice looking dress. After I gave it to her, she made this “Oh, you dear, cute little fool” face, advising me that while she thought it was a cute gesture on my part to make an attempt to buy a gift, she couldn’t use it, since she “doesn’t wear pink, except when it is accompanied by purple, but only in a skirt”.

And then, she said something that has bothered me no end. It is that one phrase that simultaneously adds 7 layers of mystery to the whole process of gift buying, clouding the thought process more than my college professors’ explanation of Eisenstein’s theories.

“But it is the thought that counts!”

I’ve pondered for days over what that sentence could mean in the context of buying gifts, but it is hopeless. I’m sure even if the enlightened Buddha himself were to appear today and contemplate that sentence, he would be stumped.

But I decided to have a go anyway, since the alternative was a second humiliation. So, the next time an occasion that demanded a gift be bought rolled by, I decided to go “with the thought that counts”, and thought about buying a present.

Without actually buying it.

I mean, that’s the right way to do it, right? Right? RIGHT?

Worst. Decision. Ever.

The Wife™ was convinced that this was another one of my stunts to get out from doing some real work and buying a present, and she barraged me with accusations of being lazy, even managed to accuse my thought-only gift of being “thoughtless”.

At this point, most people will give up and fall into the routine of buying gold or platinum jewelery as the safest bet, but not a brave soul like me. I decided that I should give this one last go.

And so, the next time, when the gift-giving occasion came around, I was ready.

Me: “I have the best gift ever this time.”
Wife: “Really?”
Me: “Yup, it is the most thoughtful gift ever!”
Wife: “This better not be another of your scams”
Me: “Nopes, it is for real this time!”
Wife: “Well, lets see it!”
Me: “Aaha! See, my gift this time is so thoughtful, that not only did I think about it, but unlike last time, I have something to show for it, although you can’t physically see it!”
Wife: “…”
Me: “Here’s my gift: I thought about it, and I’ve decided to give you a Nickname!”
Wife: “Excuse me?”
Me: “That’s right! I’ve thought of a great nickname for you. Most Thought Full Gift Ever – Full of thought.”
Wife: “Nickname?”
Me: “Yup, and your nickname is … are you ready for it? … ‘BUBBLES!’ ”
Wife: “Bubbles? What does that mean?”
Me: “You know, bubbles… Like a real estate bubble, stock market bubble etc… Don’t you love it?”
Wife: “…”

Oh Yeah! You know your gift is the most wonderful ever, when it leaves the receiver totally stumped! I’d finally succeeded! Take that, evil empire of gift making corporations! Who’s laughing now?