Now that placement season is on us, it is a good time to review some “guidelines” on how to get a job. A lot of people unnecessarily get stressed about making a living in this world etc…, but as this article will show you, it is just a matter of following a few simple steps.
Résumé
Many people don’t know this, but “résumé” is a french word that means “fictional short story”. It is usually 2-3 pages long, and details the chronicles of your life in an entertaining fashion. What you write in your resume is very important, and if you are having trouble filling it up with funny anecdotes, this exercise may help:
Think about what Superman would do if he had Einstein’s IQ and could time travel. Write down all his adventures in your resume and put your signature at the end of it.
Hobbies
Most resumes have a “hobbies” or “interests” section. The key to filling up this section is to write unverifiable claims that show what an interesting person you are. Here are some tips to fill this section:
Wrong: “Hobbies: Lazing around, testing various sleep-inducing methods and collecting swear words in different languages”
Right: “Studying abstract impressionism, skydiving, helping impoverished poor people.”
No need to mention that the abstract impressionism is “TV”, skydiving is really throwing paper planes from rooftops and the impoverished poor person you are helping is yourself.
Interview
This may sound ironic, but the best way to do well in an interview is to have a misplaced sense of very high self-esteem. Most interviewers can immediately detect if you are low on what’s called “self-confidence”, so you have to go into the interview thinking you are Robert De Nero (or Julia Roberts for you ladies). Here are some tips to get you through the interview:
Puzzles
Think about it: there are more candidates than there are puzzles, so the interviewer is going to be asking the same questions over and over again. The best strategy is to ask your friends who went to the interview before you, and then act surprised when the interviewer asks you the same question. When asked a question you know the answer to:
Wrong reaction: “Aahaaa! I know this one. Page 45 of ‘100 most asked interview questions‘. Answer is 25″
Right reaction: “Hmm… Interesting. I will break down this problem into components…” (…5 minutes later…) “…and therefore, by equation 5 above, the answer is 25.”
“What are your weaknesses?”
This is a very popular interviewing question, designed to measure your self-confidence. Be careful when answering this one.
Wrong Answer: “Chocolate is my biggest weakness. No, wait… French Fries. No, Chocolates. Wait…It’s really french fries…I think.”
Worse Answer: “Gossip”
The right answer is to say something that is really an advantage to the company, and you cannot help doing it.
Right Answer: “I tend to work too hard, sometimes late into the night, because I find it unable to give up on a problem without finishing it, because I want all my colleagues and bosses to like me so much, that I am willing to do their laundry too.”
“Do you have any questions for me?”
Most interviewers will end with this question. This question is one of the most misunderstood parts of the interview. Be careful of asking the wrong question here.
Wrong question: “Does the company make you work like a donkey while constantly beating your behind with a stick?”
Worse question: “Are you allowed to take office supplies like pens and staplers home?”
When the interviewer asks this question, what he is really saying is “I’ve had a long day taking to half-brained, overanxious kids who want nothing but money from this company. Do you know that the company is not even paying me overtime for interviewing you?”
So, in this situation, don’t trouble the interviewer by asking about the company. He is already frustrated with it, and don’t remind the interviewer about it. Ask instead about his dog, or if he saw the latest Rakhi Sawant movie.
Follow these steps properly, and you will not be disappointed. Let me know how it goes.
[...] is giving some tips for cracking interviews. I am sure some of you can [...]
Touche my man… touche…
(except for the Rakhi Sawant or dog question)
You won’t believe how helpful a Rakhi Sawant discussion during an interview can be!
Anyway, do you readers have any tips of your own?
Another tip is to use broken english. Broken english spoken in a confident note gives a feeling of being technical. eg. Klase digram isa kulec-shun off abjects ussed two pleash dha designurs.
I had mentioned blogging as my hobby for my interviews a couple of years back.
I: So wat do u blog about?
M: Socially relevant topics like blah blah blah….. (Had to really control myself from bursting out laughin)
Came across your blog in desipundit…. And then i started reading ur old posts too…. Your blog is extremely funny… Keep up the good work….One tip from me… you cud diversify your variety of humour…. Mostly revolves around movies and wife…… But amazing blog……
Ah, but we change strategies too..
Other day, I asked a candidate who said he was interested in graph theory to make up an original puzzle based on something he liked about graphs. And what did he do? He “concocts” the Koenigsburg bridges problem! (For those who don’t understand, it is one of the problems which is thought to have created graph theory as a discipline in its own right).
And then there was this case when I told a candidate, “Do you have any questions? Yes? Well, then give me an answer as well.” I’ll leave it to you to imagine what happened. I’ve found this to be much more effective in understanding how people think; having them answer their own questions.. :p
And when candidates indulge in posturing or name dropping, I start dropping names myself.
C: In our project we implemented the Robertson algorithm for finding the Bayesian approximation to… blah blah and blah including blah.
I: Oh.. You should have implemented the Wilkinson algorithm, which goes way beyond the Bayesian approximation and does a kernel density estimation. Why did you take up such an outdated technique?
C: No Sir, it was from a 2007 paper!
I: Well, Wilkinson himself told me last week that this technique was inefficient.
Of course, most of the times I get plain irritated when it is apparent that the candidate doesn’t know what s/he is talking about; and send them off with a curt goodbye.
hey aditya..
i dunno man.. i think most of the questions can be answered by a very abstract answer… : it depends.. it depends on the type of person in front of you.. it depends on the type of company. it depends on the company culture that the guy is coming from.. it depends on the mood that the guy is in.. it depends on a truck load of points..
what is the most important thing a guy needs.. Confidence..nothing else. if u r confident about the stuff on ur resume. the rest is smooth sailing. in my perspective an interview is a selling process. if u can convince the interviewer in the first 1 min of the interview the rest of the interview will be a cake walk. unless you dont screw it up.. and u will when u r not confident about what u r saying.. so if one is lying. one must lie convincingly
in my opinion.. some people actually may take offence to the rakhi sawant thing
..
some good hobbies.. listening to music. travelling to new places.. meeting new people.. playing instruments. reading.. blogging.. long drives.. researching on bikes and sports cars…
these actually lead to some other productive questions. instead of offering the interviewer a chance to screw u up totally.
nd yeah buddies.. its important to have some hobbies.. if u dont have a hobby except watching TV.. Get a life losers
no need for high fundoo words… Candor.. is what is important..
nd please man there is no right or wrong answer… so i may be wrong for some ppl..
It’s been a while since Ms. Sawant found a mention on your blog. I’m sure she’ll sleep wonderfully tonight.
thanks for the tips!
Oh my god! My audience is very well experienced in the art of faking interviews! I am blown away!
u know.. there are people out thre who have almost nothing to do.
i am one of those and am really curious to know…
wat happened to clsoe encounters ?? wat thoughtful gift did u turn up wid ??
i was joking earlier and i do have stuff to do.. but till would like to know..
Hey been reading ur blog recently… absolutely hilarious, made me go thru all ur previous posts!
Its been a while since the last post!!
come bak soon
cheers
Spot on regarding the “Do you have any questions about the company” thingy.
haha…too funny
Thank you all for dropping by! I hope you guys all used this gyaan in your interviews, and as a small token of your appreciation for successfully passing the interview, you can all send me Rs 10K.
Thanks,
Aditya
You are an amazing writer aditya. I have been enjoying every post you have written. Well though I never lied in any of the interviews I appeared in, but I remember one particular interview I took. The candidate (then final year student) was working on wireless electricity as major project, and was almost succeeded (according to him) in generating it. I was LOLing inside my head, was thinking about poor tesla wasting so much time trying to do it while people in final year now a days generate it for their final year project. hahaha, that guy was hilarious.. and yes he was very confident too