You’re all probably wondering why I’ve not been posting on the blog for the last couple of weeks. Well, it was because I’ve been holed up in deep meditation, pondering one of my deepest religious principles – How to avoid exercising. As ya’ll probably know, I’ve been under tremendous pressure recently to start doing SOME exercise. Not satisfied with my current strategies, I’ve been trying to cook up a fool-proof, permanent strategy that will solve this problem once and for all.
And I’ve succeeded!
That’s right folks! I’ve now come up with a spectacularly brilliant strategy that will save me the pain of exercise for a lifetime! And I’m going to tell you how it works!
The strategy is centered around the somewhat unreasonable assumption that the pharmaceutical companies will soon invent a pill that will cure all diseases all at once. I think this is inevitable, don’t you? Soon, they’ll have a pill to reduce cholesterol, improve muscle strength, reduce fat, increase attractiveness to the opposite sex and make taking baths outdated. I did a careful statistical analysis of past trends, and I predict that this pill will be invented by March 19th, 2018. That’s close enough in the future, so its all good.
So, lets review the strategy so far. A magic pill will be invented that will make all the people that are exercising now look like fools. But lets say that this doesn’t happen. I don’t see how, but let us, for arguments’ sake, assume that this simple-enough pill doesn’t get invented. Then what?
This where the brilliance of my strategy comes in. To balance out the risk of not inventing the magic pill, I’m planning to short the stocks of pharmaceutical companies in the long run. Selling short is a technique of stock-manipulation that will make you money if the stock falls. So, if the pharma companies make the magic pill, then I buy it and become healthy. If they don’t make the pill, I short the stocks and become rich. And as we all know, being rich is somewhat better than being healthy, because when you are rich, you can buy yatchs and IPL teams and that sort of stuff, but all you can do when you are healthy is eat apples, because, you know, you don’t want to become unhealthy. It’s a brilliant fail proof plan! The ideal win-win situation.
I’m planning to patent this brilliant idea, so if you plan to use it, you need to send me some money. Rs. 5000 only. Think about it, you can’t get a more brilliant plan. As they say,
Short-sell stocks and hedge your health against exercise,
Become healthy or wealthy, but certainly not wise!