Bunking School!

I was out sick for most of this week, and it was pretty bad, and I couldn’t get to work. I don’t like to miss office because it’s a lot of fun (and the food at google ROCKS!) but this was not the case back when I was in school.

I absolutely hated going to school, and I’d try to exploit every single opportunity to bunk school. This one time, I think it was during the ’96 Cricket World cup, I absolutely had to watch the India-Australia match. It was a Tuesday, and I couldn’t believe that our Principal hadn’t given the day off to watch the match. I mean, India vs Australia in a world cup! How often does that happen?!? I hated the Principal.

i figured that the Principal must be an alien, because he showed absolutely no interest in Cricket. After much cursing, I also concluded that the the Cricket gods would curse the Principal and send him to Cricket hell – where he’d have to bat without any pads or guards. That would teach him. But that, however, was not going to get me out of school, so I decided to do the next best thing – Pretend to be sick and bunk school.

My plan was to moan and yell and scream until mom bought that I were sick. So the next day, I woke up groaning. I held my tummy and pretended to be in great pain.

Me: “Aawwwww… My tummy hurts.”

I’ll bet my Mom’s kid-alarm went off, and she immediately suspected that I was pulling some stunt.

Mom: “Now what happened?”
Me: “I don’t know… My tummy hurts. I might not be able to go to school today.”
Mom: “Why? Is there a match on TV today?”
Me: “No Mom! Really! My stomach hurts. I really want to go to school to learn and become a better person, but if I’m not feeling well, what can I do? Don’t you believe me? You don’t trust YOUR OWN SON?!?”

I suspected that my mom had figured out my plan by now, but she couldn’t come out and accuse me because then I’d end up throwing a fit of fake crying, and that would definitely put me out of school for the day. So, it seems, she tried out a new strategy.

Mom: “All right. I believe you. Let me give you some medicine and you’ll feel just fine. You’d better get dressed because you’re going to feel just fine before 8:15.”

Ah! Smart move. The medicine in question tasted worse than karela juice with raw tamarind, and there was no way I was going to stuff that thing down my throat. I’d have to admit that I was feeling better to avoid the medicine, and that meant I’d have to go to school. Interesting move. But 8:15 was when the school bus came, and that was the cut-off for going to school. If I managed to get past that deadline, I’d get to bunk school! Just as I was figuring out what to do next, mom literally dragged me out of bed and thew me into the bathroom to get ready. I’m dilly dallying as much as I can, but it is clearly not working! It’s 8:10 and I’m fully dressed! This calls for drastic action!

Me: “AaaieieoeoooaaaaAAAAAAAAAAOOWWWWWWW!”
Mom: “Now what happened?”
Me: “My left hand hurts. Owwwww!!! I can’t put my tie, and without my tie, I can’t go to school!”
Mom: “Come here, let me tighten it around your neck.”

I just remembered that my tummy was originally supposed to be paining and I still haven’t gotten the medicine.

Me: “My tummy is ALSO still hurting, by the way.”
Mom: “Allright, let me get the medicine for you.”

Oops, bad move. I hadn’t thought this through. Mom was using the bitter-than-hell medicine as an offensive weapon. Time to change tactics.

Me: “Mom… There’s a phone call for you!”
Mom (from inside): “What? Who? When did it ring?”
Me: “It’s Aunt Bobby from USA! Come quickly quickly!”

Just as mom comes in running, I point her to the other bedroom that has the phone. She’s forgotten then medicine in the first bedroom. It’s now 8:13.

Where is the Damn Bus? How is it that the bus is always early when I’m not ready to go, and I have to run with shoes in my hands to not miss the bus, but now that I’m waiting for the bus, the driver’s probably stopped for tea. Damn Damn. I can hear Mom saying “hello” to a non-existent phone call.

I run into the first bedroom and see that Mom has already taken the the medicine bottle out. I have to hide it. That’s the only way to escape it. I take the bottle cap and put the lid back on it, and roll the bottle under the bed. Bad move. The cap is obviously too loose and the medicine starts to spill out while the bottle is rolling under the bed. Crap! I’ll have to invent some story about the medicine bottle later. I hear mom coming out, so I rush out.

Mom: “There was no one on the phone!”
Me: “Ooww… It must have aaahhhh… gotten cut. You should aaiieeee… call her back”
Mom: “I’ll do that later. Let me first give you the medicine first. You’ll definitely feel better then.”
Me: “Oooowww…. Yeah, good idea.”

I have to send mom off to another bedroom because I can hear the school bus coming. Just as Mom goes inside the first room, I rush out to tell the driver to go away.

Me: “Go! I’m not coming. Go go go…”
Driver: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “Nothing. I’m not feeling well. Go now. Go Go!”
Driver: “You don’t seem ill. Have you asked your mom?”
Me: “Of course, do you think I’d play tricks? She asked me to tell you to go away. NOW GO!”
Driver: “Well… OK…”

And thankfully the driver goes away. 8:17. A few more minutes and it’ll be too late for mom to put me in a rickshaw too. This is looking very good.

Mom screams from the inside saying she can’t find the medicine bottle, and asks if I had anything to do with it. I tell her that she took the medicine bottle with her to the phone. She goes from one bedroom to the other looking for it. That should stall her for a while.

Mom: “Why isn’t your school bus here?”
Me: “Oh, he was here, and he asked for you. He waited for like 15 minutes and then he left!”
Mom: “Why didn’t you tell me?!?”
Me: “You were talking on the phone to Bobby Aunty”
Mom: “THERE WAS NO ONE ON THE PHONE!”
Me: “Really? It must have gotten cut!”
Mom: “Arrggghh… What am I going to do with you?”

8:22. I’m well beyond the safe zone now.

Me: “I’m starting to feel a little better now! I think I’ll watch TV.”
Mom: “I’m going to look after you REALLY GOOD today.”

I got to stay home and watch the match. Mom yelled at me intermitenly through the day, but it was well worth it.

Happy times.

Tags: Funny Stuff, kid, my life, school