Drinivas and the case of the Russian Chic (Part 2)

[This is part 2 of a series. Part 1 is here]

The next day, Drinivas is looking a little drowsy. It seems he’s been up all night trying to come up with a strategy that will work with the Russian exchange student. Yesterday, he made a big fuss about not listening to my advice and how he was going to come up with a killer strategy.

Now don’t get me wrong, Drinivas is a really smart guy. He may be able well versed with the unintelligible language of 3-dimensional vector mathematics, but when it comes to talking to hot russian exchange students, his mathematics is of no use. But his ego doesn’t allow him to admit it, and so he’s going to try to do it, in his own nerdy manner anyway.

We’re standing outside the class, waiting for it the Prof to show up. Drinivas walks up to me.

Drinivas: “I worked all night to create a master plan.”
Me: “To take over the world?”
Drinivas: “No, to talk to the Russian exchange student.”
Me: “Aaah! So, let’s hear it! Does it involve you doing a wheelie on big motorbike? You might need to learn how to ride a bicycle first.”
Drinivas: “No, no. Look, I’ve drawn a map of all the places she visits on campus and her approximate schedule. Here’s my window of opportunity: After class, at 13:05 hours, she exits block ‘A’ and proceeds along “walkway 34″ towards the Cafeteria, presumably, to consume her lunch.”
Me: “Presumably.”
Drinivas: “Right. She’s about 5’8″, so she’ll walk at the rate of 3.45 kmph, which means she’ll be in front of the cafeteria at 13:06:23. Now, calculating backwards, I need to leave my class at exactly 13:04 and walk in the north-westerly direction. If I walk exactly at 3 kmph, I’ll meet her right in front of the cafeteria.”
Me: “Very clever man! But dude… Do you think this is really going to work?”
Drinivas: “Of course. I’ve calculated it precisely. Here: See my step-by-step calculations. What could possibly go wrong?”
Me: “Wow. Well, best of luck to you.”
Drinivas: “Ha! I don’t need luck, I have this all figured out!”
Me: “Excellent! So, what are you going to say to her when you meet her in front of the cafeteria at 13:06:23?”

Drinivas looks a little perplexed. Then a little surprised. Then a little annoyed. It looks like he spent all night evaluating and calculating velocities, but didn’t think what he was going to say to her once he met her.

Drinivas: “I’ll see you later.”

Drinivas gets up and rushes away. I’ll bet he’s going to the library to study this problem even more.

As the first class finishes, Drinivas comes back into the class and sits down next to me. He’s just bunked a class for the first time ever. He’s taking this thing seriously.

Drinivas: “I just went and learnt some Russian”
Me: “WHAT?!?”
Drinivas: “Yes. Listen to this: r he ctyn, r ckamakennke”
Me: “Wow. What does it mean?”
Drinivas: “I am not a chair, I am a bench”
Me: “Eh?”
Drinivas: “It was the first sentence in the “Learn Russian in 5 days” book.
Me: “Well done! Use that on her. It will definitely work!”
Drinivas: “I know!”

And so, Drinivas anxiously waits for the appointed time when he is supposed to head out in a “north-westerly direction”. He looks nervous, but is trying very hard to not show it.

Finally, 13:04 comes, and Drinivas jumps out and heads out. A bunch of friends and I also follow him out, just to see how this scene pans out. Not going to miss this for anything.

We stand outside at a safe distance from the Cafeteria. We’re far enough to be not noticed, but close enough that we can overhear what’s happening. I must say Drinivas’s calculations are perfect, and, right on time, the Russian girl is walking towards the cafeteria. Drinivas is also heading in the same direction. The girl is walking casually, but Drinivas is walking awkwardly. Suddenly speeding up and suddenly slowing down. I think he’s trying to time it perfectly, but it’s starting to look a little weird. Unfortunately for Drinivas, he reaches the cafeteria’s entrance a few seconds early, despite trying to walk half-a-step at a time. Not he’s faced with a weird choice. Should he walk in, and miss the encounter with the girl, or just stay there waiting for her to come, and look real weird when she walks up to him?

Just when I thought that Drinivas’s plan had blown up, Drinivas makes a surprising move. He suddenly changes course, and is now heading straight for the girl, who’s walking straight towards him. Why Drinivas made this move, I don’t understand, but now they’re on a collision course. Oh, Man! Drinivas better have a good opening line.

Five seconds before impact: Time has slowed down for Drinivas. His mind is racing at light speed and preparing for an encounter. I hope he remembers his line properly.

Two seconds before impact: Drinivas suddenly slows down. The russian girl has noticed him, and walks slightly towards the left to avoid a collision.

One second before impact: Drinivas changes his course to intercept her again. He clears his throat and is preparing to say something. The Russian chic now looks up at Drinivas.

IMPACT!!!

Drinivas: “r he ctyn, r ckamakennke”
Russian girl looks perplexed. She takes a while to figure out he’s speaking Russian in a really bad accent.

Russian Girl: “You’ll get me a table and chair?”

Drinivas doesn’t know what’s happening. So many things have gone wrong simultaneously. Firstly, how is she speaking english?!? That’s not supposed to happen. Then, he doesn’t even know what he’s said to her, and even worse, she seems to have understood something he didn’t even mean to say”

Russian Girl: “I didn’t know we had service in the Cafeteria. Good. You can show us to our table.”

Drinivas is totally shocked and doesn’t know what to do. He just walks behind the Russian girl and her friends, because, well, what else can he do?

The russian girl and her friends sit down at a table. Drinivas is standing awkwardly in front of them, not knowing just what the hell is happening.

Russian girl: “I’ll have one Chineese Chopsuey please…”

And, this is how, unfortunately, our story ends. What happened next is rather inconsequential. Drinivas had to order Chineese Chopsuey and bring it to their table, but, on the bright side, he got his first tip! In the following days, Drinivas had to avoid the russian girl, least she ask him to bring coffee. To this day, Drinivas is going over his calculations over and over again, trying to figure out what mistake he made.

Tags: drinivas, funny, Mud Slinging, russian chic