Keeping Up Appearances – Part 2

This is part 2 of a series. Part 1 is here.

I’m sitting in a fancy restaurant with some exotic italian dish in front of me. Not only does this “exotic italian dish” look like a bar of RIN soap, but it also smells like one. The problem, as always, is my big mouth. The wife had warned me that this would happen, but I made a big fuss of being “culturally sophisticated” and “eating like the Romans” or something like that, and this dish has turned into an ego issue for me.

I have managed to stuff only one bit of this dish down my throat, but my stomach is not co-operating in this war. It is desperately trying to shoot the thing out right from where it came. Only my mouth that is firmly held shut is preventing an eruption from my stomach.

The wife can sense my discomfort. She has a sort of sixth sense in these matters. She launches another attack.

Wife: “How’s your Gratin de Verdure?”
Me: “Exquisite!”

I say that very calmly, without any hint slipping by that my internal organs are in revolt. She thinks for a second if I might really be enjoying it. Ah! This is my chance. I plan my counter-attack. But I’m not going to come out directly at her. Now, it is time for THE ART OF WAR!

Me: “Would you like some?”

What a beautiful move! As soon as she says she’d like to try some, I’ll dump a huge piece on her plate. She won’t like it, and SHE’LL have to admit she doesn’t like it, and I can harp on how “one has to develop a taste for the fine cheeses” or something like that. But the biggest bonus is that I’ll get rid of a huge chunk from my plate.

The wife regards this question carefully. She’s trying to evaluate if I’m being completely honest about it. I keep my calm. She stares me in the eye, trying to look into my soul. I stare back at her, keeping eye contact. The key to such situations is to not loose eye contact. If I look away now, she’ll know I’m lying.

A few moments later, she says “Yes”. Bravo! My trick is working! Aahhh… Now to move in for the kill.

I stick my fork into one of the four big pieces. Just as I’m going to put it on her plate, which she’s held forward, I realize that even if I get rid of this one piece, there are 3 more remaining. I think quickly. Two pieces! That’s it. I should give her two pieces!

I take my fork once more, and stick it through the second big piece as well. But she notices this, and immediately figures out what’s happening. Before I can put the two pieces on her plate, she withdraws it.

Wife: “You know what, I’ll just have a bite from your plate.”

And she reaches over to my plate and cuts a tiny-tiny piece out. Oh NO! My greed has cost me. I should have got rid of at least the one piece. Now I’m stuck with all 4 pieces.

She takes the tiny piece and eats it. I can see that it visibly disgusts her, but she manages to eat it anyway.

Wife: “It’s very good!”

Oh No! A counter-counter-attack! Now, she’s acknowledged that the dish is good, which means if I say it is bad, then she’ll take all my gyaan and give it back to me. Crap! Crap! Crap! The situation just got worse.

My mind is racing to figure out alternatives. Can I just dump the whole thing under the table when she’s not looking? Maybe I can distract her and swap this dish with the neighboring table. That old lady next table probably won’t even figure out what happened. This is a sticky situation to be in.

I consider just admitting defeat at this point, but quickly back away. If I give up now, I’ll have to listen to those dreaded 4 words that every man fears – “I TOLD YOU SO!”. She’ll give me a lecture on how she told me this would happen and all that stuff that will destroy my ego. No, failure is not an option!

As I’m considering if it’s feasible to knock the plate over and say “Oh no! How clumsy of me. Too bad I can’t eat it now!”, the wife excuses herself and heads to the ladies room.

HERE’S MY CHANCE!

As soon as she’s out of sight, I frantically motion for the waiter. He comes to the table, and I ask him to quickly clear my plate. He looks at me, then at the dish, of which only 2 small bites have been eaten.
Waiter: “Did you enjoy your meal, sir?”
A wise ass. I scream at him:
Me: “WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?!?”
I shoo him away and he takes the plate away with him.

When the wife comes back, she asks what happened to my dish.
Me: “Oh, it was so good, that I couldn’t resist stuffing every last bit of it. I ate it all up. Yup, all of it, every last bite. These Italians sure know a thing or two about food! HaHa!”
She looks at me weirdly, and has probably figured out what I’ve done, but she lets it go.

I am so happy to have gotten rid of that thing that calm and peace are returning back to me. My ego and my stomach have just made peace again, and everything is fine once more. But as I sit there, the pizza that the wife is having is starting to smell very delicious, and I’m starting to get very very hungry.

Wife: “Oh, I’d offer you some pizza, but considering you stuffed yourself with the ‘Gratin de Verdure’, you probably don’t have any place left?”

Ooooohhhh…. she’s going to let me have it. She’s not going to give it up so easily.

Me: “True! I’m completely stuffed. Fully. Not one bit of space!”

Oh, this stupid ego is really costing me. As the evening wears on, I get hungrier. I try to order deserts, but the wife skillfully shoots down that as well, and I have to return home, more hungry than ever. My stomach is behaving like a 5-year old, screaming and shouting for food, and I can’t take it anymore. I can feel another war brewing inside me. This time, my stomach and ego and involved in a skirmish. Just as we get home, my stomach throws a round-kick and knocks my ego out cold, and takes control of me.

Me: “I’M HUNGRY!!!!!! PLEASE MAKE ME SOME FOOD!!!!”

The wife has a hearty laugh at this. She knew I wouldn’t be able to survive for long. She doesn’t lecture me, but instead nicely makes me a sandwich.

Aaahh…I figure out why she’s not said “I TOLD YOU SO!”. She’s not going to say anything now and waste this wonderful victory. She’s going to save it, and use it as heavy artillery when she REALLY needs it sometime later. This is not over yet! The battle goes on…