How to fix Bad Umpiring

Doesn’t it seem like whenever the Indian cricket team visits Australia, there is some controversy or the other. The latest one, this time, is the really bad umpiring. I mean, how can the umpiring be so stupid? The ICC has to get up and take notice. And as usual, the ICC is out of ideas, so it’s up to me to come up with some solution to the bad umpiring problem. In fact, I’ve come up with three!

(1) The “Gabbar Singh” solution
This solution is called so because it is inspired by the classic Bollywood “Sholay” movie. This movie has solutions to all the world’s problems, but that’s another blog post. The solution is to keep as hostage, something the 2 umpires hold dear to them – Maybe their ugly-white-hats. The solution also requires the umpires to be renamed as “Thakurs“.

You can see that this solution works: When the bowlers appeal, instead of saying the ridiculous “Hooowwwzaaaaattttttaaaaaa???????“, they’ll use the more elegant “Yeh Wicket Hame De De Thakur!“. At this point, several Basantis run out to the center and start singing and dancing. If the umpire then refuses to give the batsman out, the bowling team repeats “Yeeeh Wiickkeett Hammee DE DE THAAAKURRR!!!” to increase the intensity. If the umpire still says “Naaahiinnnn….“, the bowling team then sacrifices the hat by cutting off it’s sides. Imagine the consternation of the umpires at having to wear hats with no sides! I’m convinced that this fear will lead to better umpiring standards. The Basantis are strictly for entertainment purposes, which, in my opinion, is entirely missing in cricket today, especially in those 5-day versions.

(2) The “8-year-old” solution.
This is my favorite solution, because I think it is, by far, the most effective. The rules of cricket will be changed slightly – The bowling team will supply the bats and the batting team will supply the balls. The game proceeds normally, until the point where there is a controversial decision. If either party is not satisfied with the decision, they can snatch the bat/ball from the opposing team and walk away crying. The crying is important, because it adds a certain drama. A vast majority of the “saas-bahu-watching” crowd seems to enjoy it a lot.

I have personally been at the wrong end of this situation several times, and I can assure you that this opens up several avenues for negotiation between the playing teams. This will, no doubt, work well. In fact, we can get rid of the umpires altogether!

(3) The “Road Runner” solution
This solution is inspired by the ever green cartoon. The solution is simple – We’ll place a 200 Ton steel ball on top of both the umpires, suspended by a thin thread, and a knife ready to cut it. The control to this knife will be hooked up to the stadium audience.

When an appeal is made to the umpires, the crowd will monitor the decision carefully. If the umpire then refuses to act according to the crowd’s wishes, they’ll all yell the secret code-word : “OOoaaaaaoooo“. When this happens, the giant steel ball falls on the umpire’s heads. This will surely control the bad umpiring, because no one wants to annoy the bad and evil crowds. Besides, it’ll also provide some entertainment to the crowds when the steel ball falls.

As you can see, all my solutions work well and also provide additional entertainment. This is always a good thing. ICC, are you listening?