I was flipping through one of the wife’s magazines the other day and I came across an interesting article. The article was about the top 10 flop Bollywood movies of the year. So I’m reading through it, and I’m like ‘Haha…yeah, that was pretty bad…Haha…yeah, that one sucked too…Hoho..Yeah, that one. What was the director thinking?…‘ and I read through the whole article and then enlightenment hit me – And I’m not just talking about some random enlightenment, but the real oh-god-I-don’t-believe-this type of enlightenment. I realized:
I’VE WATCHED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE TOP 10 WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR!!!!!!
This is the kind of enlightenment that makes your stomach churn. How could have happened this to me? WHY ME? All said and done, I must have spent some 100 hours of my life watching those movies and those hours are not coming back! I decided this can not go on like this. I had to do something.
I decided that I was going to tell the wife that I am NOT coming to watch any more movies. I also have some human rights, and I will not stand down and take this kind of torture. I was going to confront her. I was going to put my foot down. Enough is enough!
I walk up to the wife.
Wife: “Hey listen. There is this great movie – ‘Taare Zameen Par’. We should go watch it.”
Me: “Yeah, about that. I’m not going.”
Ah! I’d made a bold and daring move – like a powerful chess opening – that had left the wife dazed and confused.
Me: “Yeah. I don’t want to watch any more movies.”
Wife: “What happened? You said you were a movie fan!”
Me: “I said that before we got married.”
Oops…. I shouldn’t have said that.
Wife: “Excuse me?”
Me: “No No No…I mean I only said that because I was trying to impress you.”
Wife: “You lied to me?” Oh No. The wife is using her best moves against me. I’m defenseless.
Me: “No No No…I meant to say that I was trying to impress you before marriage. Now that we’re married I don’t need to…”
Wife: “Yeah? Continue?” Oh God! What am I doing. STOP TALKING ABOUT THE MARRIAGE!
Me: “No No No…I mean to say that after marriage, you should pick a different hobby….Maybe learn cooking…” WHAT?!? WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!?!?
Wife: “Why do I need to learn cooking? You don’t like my cooking?”
Me: “No No No…I mean to say that you make great Sabzi and Chapati, but your Sambar…. is a little….” STOP TALKING! STOP TALKING!
Wife: “YOU SAID SAMBAR WAS MY SPECIALTY!!!”
Me: “No No No… I mean to say…uh… Sambar is …errr…. hmmm….. Have you lost weight? You’re looking absooooooooolutely great!”
Wife gives me THE LOOK
Me: “I’ll go get tickets for ‘Tare Zameen Par’. See you later!”
Damn! That didn’t work out at all! I have to think of a new strategy to get out of this whole movie thing.